Being in the middle of fertility treatment can feel like living in two different realities under one roof. One of you might be deep in research, tracking every symptom and side effect; the other is trying to “stay positive,” keep life feeling normal, or not talk about it 24/7. You’re in the same storm, but it can feel like you’re in different boats.
Psychologist Dr. Alice Domar, a pioneer in mind–body fertility care, says she has “yet to see a couple who are both at the same place at the same time” emotionally when it comes to infertility. The goal isn’t to react the same way; it’s to learn how to cope differently together.
Why partners cope so differently (and why it’s not personal)
When you’re the one refreshing your patient portal at midnight, it can be hard not to read your partner’s different reaction as “they don’t care as much.” But there are a lot of reasons couples go out of sync emotionally:
Different socialization: Many women are taught to talk, cry, and seek support; many men are taught to fix, distract, or “stay strong.”
Different bodies: One of you may be doing injections and procedures; the other is mostly watching and worrying from the sidelines.
Different timelines: One partner may have wanted kids earlier or thought about infertility longer; the other might be just arriving at the reality you’ve lived with for years.
Research backs up how complex this is. A classic study on stress and coping in couples facing infertility found that infertility is a “dyadic stressor”—it happens to the relationship, not just to one person—and that partners’ coping styles are deeply intertwined. Another study, “Infertile Partners’ Coping Strategies Are Interrelated”, showed that when one partner leans heavily on certain coping strategies (like constant problem‑solving or avoidance), it directly shapes the other partner’s stress levels and coping in return.
Dr. Domar sees this play out in her work every day. She describes how women often move faster toward seeking help, while their partners may need more time to process or may show their concern by focusing on work or logistics. Her starting point: assuming that each person’s way of coping is “the right way for them”—and then building empathy from there.
What healthier “team coping” actually looks like
Psychologists call this dyadic coping. The way a couple responds to stress together, not just as individuals. In a study of couples undergoing IVF and other assisted reproductive technologies, “Examining the Role of Dyadic Coping on the Marital Adjustment of Couples Undergoing ART”, researchers found that couples who practiced positive dyadic coping, things like listening to each other, problem‑solving together, and sharing the load, reported better marital adjustment and less distress.
Another paper, “Re‑examining the Role of Coping Strategies in Infertility‑Related Stress and State‑Anxiety”, showed that:
Not all “let’s fix this now” problem‑focused coping is automatically helpful; in some cases, it can increase anxiety.
Some short‑term avoidance (like taking a break from talking about fertility at every meal) can actually buffer stress, as long as it’s not the only strategy.
A more recent study on infertility‑related stress and dyadic coping as predictors of quality of life found that when couples responded to stress together—supporting each other instead of withdrawing or blaming—both partners reported better quality of life, even when treatment itself was challenging.
In other words: you don’t have to feel the same way at the same time, but learning how to face the stress as a team is a real protective factor.
Dr. Domar has been making this point for years in her mind–body programs and in Q&As like “Stress and infertility, a meeting of the mind”. She talks about emotional support and communication as “proactive medicine,” not an indulgence.
Common “different page” patterns (and what might be underneath)
Every couple is unique, but some patterns show up again and again. It can help to see your dynamic in one of these, not to box yourselves in, but to understand what’s driving the mismatch.
Planner vs “we’ll see what happens”
One partner dives into podcasts, labs, and spreadsheets; the other prefers to take it cycle by cycle.
The planner tends to use problem‑focused coping—researching, scheduling, advocating.
The other partner may lean toward avoidant or meaning‑based coping—trying to protect their mental health by not living inside fertility stress 24/7.
The authors of “Infertile Partners’ Coping Strategies Are Interrelated” describe this in terms of coping styles like active‑confronting, active‑avoidance, passive‑avoidance, and meaning‑based coping. None of them are “bad” on their own; problems arise when one person’s style dominates and there’s no shared plan.
Openly grieving vs staying “strong”
One of you cries, talks, and wants therapy. The other goes quiet, makes jokes, or stays “logical.”
In her GoStork conversation about the FertiCalm app, Dr. Domar notes that many male partners feel they have to be “the rock,” which can look like distance when the other partner desperately wants visible grief and comfort. She and Dr. Elizabeth Grill spend time teaching couples how to say, “I am devastated too, even if it looks different on me.”
Articles like “Caring for Your Relationships and Yourself During Fertility Treatment” and
“Fertility and Relationships: Navigating the Journey as a Couple” echo this: one partner’s coping can look like “checking out,” when underneath there’s fear, guilt, or a need to hold it together for both of you.
Full‑throttle treatment vs “let’s wait”
One of you is ready for IVF yesterday. The other wants more time to try naturally, save money, or come to terms with what treatment might involve.
Pieces like Illume Fertility’s “How to Maintain Relationships During the Stress of Fertility Treatment” and “Navigating Fertility Issues as a Couple” describe how this can quickly turn into accusations of “dragging your feet” versus “railroading me.” Underneath is often a difference in risk tolerance and burnout, not in how badly each person wants a child.
Concrete tools: how to cope differently together
Here are some practical strategies you can try, backed by Domar’s work and other researchers.
1. Set “fertility talk” windows
When every meal can turn into a strategy meeting, you both burn out. Progyny suggests setting limits on when you talk about fertility:
Choose a small, predictable window (for example, 20–30 minutes after dinner three nights a week).
Agree that outside those times, either of you can say, “Can we save this for our check‑in?”
Progyny’s guide on caring for your relationships during fertility treatment recommends this type of boundary as a way to protect the rest of the relationship—so you still have conversations about work, TV, or what you’re making for the weekend, not just follicles and test results.
Dr. Domar’s communication training dovetails with this: she encourages couples to plan ahead for high‑trigger moments, like scan days or baby showers, rather than trying to wing it in the moment.
2. Decode each other’s coping style
That Frontiers paper on coping and anxiety in infertility, “Re‑examining the Role of Coping Strategies…”, and the study on interrelated coping strategies in infertile partners both highlight that people tend to rely on a small set of go‑to strategies:
Active‑confronting: researching, calling clinics, wanting to “do something” immediately.
Active‑avoidance: avoiding pregnant friends, social media, or certain situations.
Passive‑avoidance: hoping things will resolve without much action or conversation.
Meaning‑based coping: reframing, spirituality, focusing on growth or gratitude.
You don’t need to memorize the labels, but it can help to each answer:
“When I’m overwhelmed by fertility stress, I usually… (read, plan, check out, joke, get quiet, cry, etc.).”
“When you react that way, I often interpret it as… (not caring, panicking, shutting me out, etc.).”
From there, you can each pick one small adjustment. For example:
The research‑heavy partner agrees to bring “big” conversations (like changing clinics or treatment plans) to your scheduled check‑in time, not as drive‑by comments.
The more avoidant partner agrees to one weekly deep check‑in, even if their preference is to compartmentalize.
The goal, as “Infertile Partners’ Coping Strategies Are Interrelated” suggests, is not to become different people but to prevent one person’s coping from accidentally amplifying the other’s distress.
3. Treat “dyadic coping” as a skill, not a personality trait
The ART couples study, “Examining the Role of Dyadic Coping on the Marital Adjustment of Couples Undergoing ART”, found that couples who engaged in common dyadic coping, seeing infertility as “our problem to face together”, reported better marital adjustment than those who coped in parallel.
In practice, that looks like:
Using “we” language (“What do we want to do if this cycle doesn’t work?” instead of “What do you want to do?”).
Sharing the workload (one handles insurance calls or financial spreadsheets; the other takes the lead on logistics like rides to procedures).
Checking in after appointments with questions like, “What was the hardest part of that for you?” instead of jumping straight to “What’s our next move?”
A study on infertility‑related stress and dyadic coping predicting quality of life found that couples who did this, who saw coping as a shared task rather than a solo project, reported better wellbeing, even when treatment itself was grueling.
4. Make a plan for known triggers
Certain situations come up again and again: baby showers, pregnancy announcements, holidays with children, sitting in waiting rooms full of pregnant people.
Dr. Domar and Dr. Grill talk about helping couples pre‑plan:
Which events you’ll skip this cycle.
What your “out” will be if one of you gets overwhelmed (a code word or text).
Whether you want to receive pregnancy news by text or in person.
Relationship‑focused pieces like “Caring for Your Relationships and Yourself During Fertility Treatment” and “Psychological Impact of IVF on Couples” suggest that this kind of planning is less about being antisocial and more about protecting both partners’ nervous systems during an unusually intense season.
5. Bring in a professional “referee” sooner than later
Sometimes, no amount of scripts or self‑help articles can untangle the knot between “I need to talk about this” and “I can’t bear to talk about this right now.”
Dr. Domar has spent decades advocating for group programs and counseling as part of fertility care, not an add‑on for people who are “failing” at coping. In Boston IVF’s Q&A on stress and infertility, she describes how structured support gives couples tools to communicate and normalize their reactions, instead of silently drifting apart.
Research echoes this. The dyadic coping and marital adjustment study and the quality‑of‑life and dyadic coping paper both suggest that when couples feel supported and engage in mutual coping, they fare better emotionally—regardless of treatment outcome.
If you notice:
Increasing resentment (“I’m doing this alone”),
Repeated fights about whether to continue treatment,
Or feeling more like roommates than partners, that’s not a sign you’re failing; it’s a sign the stress load is bigger than what two people can hold without extra support.
When “coping differently” becomes a red flag
Not every mismatch is just a difference in style. Sometimes, what shows up as “coping differently” is really:
One partner chronically dismissing the other’s pain (“You’re overreacting,” “It’s not that big a deal”).
Contempt, stonewalling, or withdrawal that spills into every area of the relationship.
Emotional or financial pressure (“I’ll only stay if you agree to X treatment,” or “You’re ruining our life with this”).
Qualitative research, like “The IVF Experience as Lived: A Psychosocial Perspective on Emotional Health and Relationship Adjustment in Couples”, describes how repeated cycles can erode communication and amplify existing cracks if couples aren’t given adequate support.
If you’re seeing those patterns, it’s a good time to consider:
Couples therapy with someone who has experience in infertility/ART.
Individual therapy to build boundaries and skills, especially if you’re unsure whether your partner is “just coping differently” or being harmful.
You don’t have to cope the same to be on the same team
Dr. Domar often reminds couples that the goal isn’t to become identical in how you feel, but to become more fluent in each other’s language. She talks about teaching partners to say, “I know my way of coping might not make sense to you, but here’s what I’m trying to do, and here’s how you can help.”
You can start small. Maybe that looks like:
One scheduled “fertility talk” window this week.
One question you each answer: “What’s the hardest part of this for you right now?”
One decision you make together about a known trigger (a baby shower, a holiday, a social event).
You and your partner don’t need to react the same way to be on the same side. Different boats, same storm, and, with a little intention, a shared map.
