Preparing for the Holiday Season When You're Trying to Build a Family

It may feel early to be talking about the holidays. But if you're trying to build a family, October is the right time to start preparing.

The season brings together many of the things that can make infertility feel heavier: questions from relatives, gatherings centered on children, other people's good news, all during the darkest weeks of the year. If you wait until you're in the middle of it, every decision gets made under pressure. If you prepare now, while the calendar is still open, you can lower your stress before it builds, decide ahead of time how you want to handle the hard moments, and leave real room to enjoy the parts of the season you love.

Below, we cover why a little preparation goes a long way, then five research-backed steps to take before the invitations pile up.

Holiday stress is close to universal. In a 2023 survey for the American Psychological Association, 89% of U.S. adults said the holidays bring stress, and 43% said it gets in the way of enjoying them. The darker months add their own weight: the National Institute of Mental Health notes that winter-pattern seasonal depression typically begins in late fall and is more common in women. Clocks fall back on November 1 this year. Add the ups and downs of fertility treatment, which Europe's fertility society ESHRE describes as common and expected, and it makes sense that this stretch can feel harder than it does for others.

One thing preparation is not: a way to protect your chances by staying calm. That idea is a myth, and it adds pressure nobody needs.

In 2011, psychologist Jacky Boivin and colleagues at Cardiff University pooled 14 studies of 3,583 women in fertility treatment, published in the BMJ. Women who reported more distress before treatment had pregnancy rates similar to women who didn't. Boivin said the findings "should reassure women that emotional distress caused by fertility problems or other life events co-occurring with treatment will not compromise their chance of becoming pregnant." In other words, you're preparing for the holidays for your own wellbeing, not as fertility homework.

Look at the season as a whole and sort it before anything lands: the gatherings you want to attend, the ones you'll keep short, and the ones you'll skip. Dr. Alice Domar, a psychologist who has spent decades studying the emotional side of infertility and is now Chief Compassion Officer at Inception Fertility and a part-time associate professor at Harvard Medical School, is clear in her Ask Dr. Domar column that you're allowed to decline an event without guilt. For the events you do attend, she suggests planning your exit before you arrive: agree on a signal with your partner or an ally, and volunteer for a job, like washing dishes, that gives you natural breathing room.

The questions you dread are easier to handle when you've already decided what to say. Domar recommends having three kinds of answers ready: a polite one ("When we have news to share, you'll be among the first to know"), an educational one that explains getting pregnant isn't always simple, and an assertive one that sets a clear boundary around your privacy. She also suggests asking a partner or friend to open holiday cards first and set aside any you'd rather not see right now. Our companion Q&A, Your Holiday Questions, Answered, has more lines you can borrow word for word.

For many of our readers, the hardest part of the holidays isn't the relatives. It's close friends whose lives are moving at a different pace. It helps to know that you can love someone and still find their good news hard to be around. Clinical social worker Ellen Glazer, writing for Harvard Health Publishing, says she has seen relief on clients' faces when she tells them this:

Her point is that pregnancy is different because it's the very thing you're longing for.

Pulling back can feel like the only option, and sometimes a pause is right. But the research suggests keeping a few people close. In a study of 66 couples going through infertility, those who felt more supported reported less anxiety and depression. So rather than withdrawing from everyone, choose one or two people and tell them what you need. A few ideas:

The strongest evidence for easing anxiety during fertility treatment is for skills drawn from cognitive behavioral therapy, which help you notice spiraling thoughts and test them instead of believing them. A 2015 meta-analysis in BMJ Open of 39 studies found that psychological support, especially CBT, clearly reduced anxiety. Domar's own research points the same way. Her 2011 mind/body program, which combined CBT, relaxation training, and social support, was associated with higher pregnancy rates in a small study of about 100 women, though that finding needs larger trials to confirm it. And in a 2015 trial of 166 women, a simple self-guided coping card reduced anxiety, improved quality of life, and helped more people continue treatment after a first cycle that didn't work (5.5% stopped, compared with 15.2% without the card).

Support works best when it's in place before you need it. ESHRE recommends that fertility patients have access to counseling and to other patients who understand. A therapist who specializes in reproductive mental health is a good option, and RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association offers free peer-led support groups. Booking something before Thanksgiving means you won't be searching for help in the middle of a hard week.

If your mood tends to dip as the days get shorter, plan for it rather than pushing through. NIMH calls light therapy (usually a 10,000-lux light box for 30 to 45 minutes a day) a mainstay of treatment for winter-pattern depression, and notes that CBT works about as well, with effects that may last longer. Daylight walks are the simplest version. If seasonal low mood is familiar to you, mention it to your doctor now.

Domar also recommends turning part of the season outward, through volunteering or giving to others in need, and notes that helping others reduces depressive symptoms. It's one way to make room for a part of the holidays that belongs to you.

Fill this in now, while the calendar is still open, and share it with your partner or one person you trust.

Preparing won't take every hard moment out of the holidays. What it does is let you make your decisions on a calmer day, so that when the season arrives, you've already chosen to be on your own side. That leaves more room for the moments worth enjoying.

Path to Parenthood publishes journalism and education, not medical advice. Everything here is meant to inform the questions you bring to your own care team, not replace their guidance for your specific situation.