Your Holiday Questions, Answered

You don't need another think piece about holiday stress. You need to know what to say when someone asks across the table, or when the group chat lights up. These are the questions we hear most this time of year, with short answers grounded in the research and scripts you can borrow word for word.

For the bigger picture, including what the science says about stress and what actually helps, read our feature, Preparing for the Holiday Season When You're Trying to Build a Family.

You don't owe anyone an update. Psychologist Dr. Alice Domar, who has studied the emotional side of infertility for decades, recommends deciding on your answers ahead of time so you aren't improvising in a hard moment. She suggests having three kinds ready.

No. When clients ask clinical social worker Ellen Glazer whether they can skip a friend's shower, her answer, writing for Harvard Health, is "a resounding yes." She suggests celebrating your friend another way instead, like a one-on-one lunch or a gift sent with a note. Domar's advice points the same direction: you're allowed to decline, or to go for an hour and leave without guilt.

No. Glazer tells clients it's okay: you'd be happy for your friend if she won the lottery, but pregnancy is the very thing you're longing for. Europe's fertility society, ESHRE, likewise treats sadness and anxiety during fertility treatment as expected responses, not signs that something is wrong with you. Feeling two things at once is normal.

Ask early, before there's news to share. When a woman posted to Reddit about a friend who announced a pregnancy in a group setting while she was going through infertility, commenters overwhelmingly agreed that news like this should arrive privately, by text, so the person can react in their own time. Licensed clinical social worker Whitney Barrell adds that pregnant friends can lean on other people for day-to-day pregnancy conversation, which takes pressure off both of you.

This one is its own kind of hard. RESOLVE points out that both people feel the loss of the bond you shared. Its guidance: give each other time, find support elsewhere for a while, keep pregnancy talk brief, and accept that the friendship may change. Some friendships pause and come back. Some don't, and that doesn't erase what they meant.

It's your call either way, and you can change your mind. One middle path is to tell a single ally who will be at the gathering. In a study of 66 couples going through infertility, those who felt more supported reported less anxiety and depression. One person who knows can steer conversations, back you up, and notice when you need a break.

Possibly both, and neither one is a failing. In a 2023 American Psychological Association survey, 89% of U.S. adults said the holidays bring stress. Separately, the National Institute of Mental Health describes winter-pattern seasonal depression, which usually starts in late fall and is more common in women. If your mood stays low, or you stop enjoying things you usually like, most days for a couple of weeks or more, tell your doctor or a counselor. Light therapy and CBT both have good evidence, and RESOLVE offers free peer support groups if you'd like people who understand.

You're allowed to make this season smaller than it's been before. Fewer events, shorter visits, a quieter table. Smaller can still be good, and it can still be yours.

If you're having thoughts of harming yourself, you can call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline in the U.S., any time of day.

Path to Parenthood publishes journalism and education, not medical advice. Everything here is meant to inform the questions you bring to your own care team, not replace their guidance for your specific situation.